This actually brings up an interesting point, but first a word from our sponsor (This article has clickable links)...
This is in response to a discussion of my last article at Newsvine. You have to understand that I am reacting based upon my own life, faith, beliefs, and experience, Daniel Slack's. I have found that my own monogamy made the relationship more valuable. I have had sex with a total of 4 people in my life. That's right, just 4.
It is not a rare thing, when I am out with my friends, to have a woman hit on me. I am just a nice, likable guy. I do not joke, leer, or tease in a sexual way on a regular basis. When I am at the beach, I don't slobber over the female figure, no matter how scantily clad.
The funniest thing is to get in the car and have my fiance tells me who was hitting on me. "Seriously hun, I had no idea. I just thought she just liked Doctor Who?"
Now back to the Show...
Polygamy is an interesting topic that seems to keep being brought up.
There maybe benefits to having multiple sex partners in the animal kingdom, such as:
- scarcity of males
- selection for disease resistant genes
- defense of breeding territory or its economic equivalents
- multiple lines of continuation of the male's (or female's) genetic line
- and many many more....
When you include more Human reasons in this list:
- Polygamy promotes individual rights and freedom
- Polygamy helps "Men" with leadership ability (From my friend EJ)
- Polygamy increases the chance of sexual gratification
I can honestly say that there have been times that it would have been nice to be in a polyamorous relationship. When I am away from home, or when my fiance is away:
- When I get home, but I am alone after a hard day
- Having a crisis and my fiance is in Florida at her mother's.
- Having multiple people to be available for child care, that is above and beyond just my significant other and myself
- When I really do not want an "me" time, but my lover is gone
And these are only reasons for a permanent polyamorous relationship.
For a "no responsibility" polyamorous perspective, I just cannot see any advantage... unless the answer is always just going to be sexual gratification and birth control. Unfortunately, the disadvantages and consequences of a non committed lifestyle always fall on the woman:
- She may or may not know who the father of any pregnancy is
- When pregnant, society expects the woman to bear the weight of the cost and consequences by herself regardless if it is abortive care, adoption, or child rearing, the first 9 months are always born by the mother.
- There are longer lasting consequences for a woman that chooses to raise a child on her own
- To prevent pregnancy, there are physical costs:
"Life expectancy for women in the United States is 77.34 years; women who take oral contraceptives (OCs) for five years before the age of 30 can expect to live about four days longer. This is due primarily to protection against ovarian and endometrial cancers. For women taking pills for five years in their thirties there is a maximum loss of 18 days on the average that is attributable to OC use, and for women over 45 this rises to 80 days. The decreased life expectancy is due mainly to the increased mortality from myocardial infarction and stroke."- Oral contraceptives and life expectancy. Fortney JA, Harper JM, Potts M.
People try to tell me that if you have an open relationship, you have more of a chance of catching a Sexually Transmitted Infection, but science has proven that cheaters are more likely to catch and spread an STI than people in an open or polyamorous relationship. It may be in these people's lives, sex has a value different from my own, but I am not one who wants to skew facts because it does not justify my own truth.
So what is the largest single reason why I do not, will not, and will never have multiple sexual partners?
“Variability is one of the virtues of a woman. It avoids the crude requirement of polygamy. So long as you have one good wife you are sure to have a spiritual harem".” ― G.K. Chesterton, Alarms and Discursion, 1910 (Free Download from Gutenberg.org)
It is an interesting thing when a message comes across so organically with the music that is played with it. In the song BITCH by Meredith Brooks, the whirlwind emotional existence of most women is properly conveyed. The ups and downs of the rollercoaster that is womanhood shows that life with my woman, your woman, any woman, will be much more than anyone could ever expect. SO I don't expect anything except that she will be by my side, to my joy and to my pain.
I have heard a lot of men complain that women are power hungry, controlling people that are only interested in have an easy life at the expense of the men around them.
My pride and ego would like agree with this statement, but then I imagine how wonderful it would be if I lived in a world where I had a man kick me in the balls for 5 days as I bleed out of my penis once a month. A world where every time I bend over, I either have some guy grabbing my behind or looking down my shirt to take a gander at my chest. A land where my value is based on how beautiful I am, my ability as a mother, my ability as an employee and income provider.
Then, to come home after a hard day at work, shopping for groceries, and raising the kids, to have my fiance treat me as some object to satisfy her sexually. When I say that I am not in the mood, she whines and complains, either directly or not, until she gets her way.
This doesn't end until I go to sleep, just to wake up the next day, and have the same thing happen again.
I imagine that this is what my fiance's life must be like. I must say that does not sound like a very enjoyable time, with all those pressures from Life, the Universe, and Everything. I would expect that a life like this would have some hiccups now and again...
Now imagine being married to TWO people like this, with the same problems. Suddenly the level goes from tolerable to sadistic. I come home to 2 women, who are having their period at the same time ( Menstrual Synchrony is a biological possibility.) and I did something to make them both upset? Or maybe I did nothing and they are both having a bad day. Now I risk the dangers of Menstrual Synchrony with Emotional Solidarity.
And for those that say that you do not need be monogamous to be in a relationship, I say this;
If you do not feel a sense of responsibility, duty, and compassion toward the person you are physically with, or even worse, no duty, just "Convenient Responsibility," where there is not real emotional toll to failing them in some way, then you do not even know the type of love I am experiencing.
It is a love where it is only natural to put her needs before my own. A love that does not keep track of the little forgivenesses I make to her. The fact is, the day I proposed to her is the day I decide to put someone before myself, for better, worse, or indifferent.
Let me explain;
There was a time where my fiance and myself moved for a job that I was promised, just to have the company never open. We faced life homeless. There were times where I let myself starve because I could not bear my fiance, no my wife, to go hungry. After our money ran out from living at the Tradewinds Inn, we lived in the parking lot of Walmart, frustrated because no one will hire someone that only has a PO Box address.
During this time, it would have been easier to abandon her. My lifestyle would have been cheaper. I could have afforded eating, even saving for an apartment with what little work I could find.
But I had a responsibility, I had a duty, and I had love. In that love, I did not have the strength to be hungry, I did not have the luxury of hopelessness, and I did not have the option to fail.
Her fears, disappointments, and insecurities plagued her, she rarely let me know it, though. When they did show themselves, I would paint a picture of faith and hope. I would tell her how I had the expectations of success. When she was asked how can I have such a positive attitude, her answer says it all:
"Rainbows and Butterflies, he is full of Rainbows and Butterflies, literally"-Tricia
Why am I monogamous? It's more that just rules and regulations. It's more than society and faith. Its because I respect my Tricia TOO DAMN MUCH. During the lean times, she stuck by my side, and I will never find another woman who would go through the highs and lows of life like she has with me...
Regardless of what her expectations are of me, I am Monogamous because I love, honor, and cherish her and I want every man and woman in the world to know it!
That Is Why I Am Monogamous!
"I was always anti-marriage. I didn't understand monogamy. I couldn't figure out how that could last. And then I met Bryn and I started to understand the beauty of constancy and history and change and going on the roller coaster with someone - of having a partner in life."-Maria Bello
Oh, and by the way, we have been engaged for over a year now, and I have not had sex with my Fiance, yet. I am still waiting until marriage, though I am not a virgin. So add sexual tension on top of the stresses we went through... But I will leave that for another article.